Just your (un)average girl

Some days I dream… i let go and think about what life was without you… what life would...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:20:38 -0400

Some days I dream… i let go and think about what life was without you… what life would be without you again. I wonder where I would be, what I would still be searching for.. what I wouldn’t know existed yet.. I usually end up with a smile on my face at this point because I don’t have to think about it. I hear the dating website commercials and I think of the freedom I have that I am not still searching for something that exists in my life already.. and how you are so perfect for me. There are these little moments and they are hard to explain.. the words seem that they have been misused before.. but there are these moments where you just seem to fulfill a need of mine without knowing it. You make my ocean calm. I guess this is what being in love is like. Heaven knows it has been some time since I have even thought about what that really even means and this time I want it to mean what it should.

Every day I want to say thank you, that I am grateful that I don’t have to live in this world without you for today. That you sober my drunken thoughts that have been brought on by drinking too many previous lies.

Some days I dream and in the end it just makes me fall harder for you.

Thank you and a million kisses from my lips to yours.

My smile got bigger as my face got thinner.

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 08:44:44 -0400

So here we are… One year since I went to the hospital and paid a doctor to remove 80% of my stomach. Those that have been on the journey with me for some time know that it was a long road until that point. The frustration, the workouts, more frustration, the unhappiness. But I decided to have the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy and changed my life.

I’d love to sit here and tell you that I don’t feel like that old girl, but I do.. sometimes. I still see her in the mirror. I still think people see her when the office floor moves or the elevator shifts when I walk in. She still is apart of me. She still gets scared and sees nothing but extra skin and fat when she looks in the mirror… but i am not her. I know it will take time to get used to this new body and I still want her to change a little more.. but I love her. I love the confidence I have when i walk into a store and can wear clothes off the rack.. when i can play with my nephews.. and when I can do things like I never thought I would.. like zip lining in the middle of a cruise ship.

I still have a lot i want to do in life.. in general.. but I can say that since surgery, things do not scare me as much. I realize that I can take great risks and see results. It hasn’t been the easiest journey and it will continue to be a learning experience throughout, but that is life. Life isn’t easy but it has always been worth it.. every diet, lifestyle change, heartbreak… it has all been worth it to make us the people we are in the present. and for that I am nothing short of grateful.

So thank you for your support. Thank you for your commitment to me and my life. Here’s to more pictures and more smiles and more days of grateful.

Woah it is Wednesday! Let’s see.. Yesterday little Monkey turned one and he is ridiculously...

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 12:37:49 -0400

Woah it is Wednesday!

Let’s see.. Yesterday little Monkey turned one and he is ridiculously cute and makes me laugh so much and is adorable and no.. i still have NO IDEA if i want children.

Secondly, the guys at work started to talk to me!!!! Like not just about work. Also, my boss keeps sending me compliments and said she likes the job I am doing. #whew. They still haven’t hired someone else, so MAYBE I will just be it?!?!

Third, The Man is so amazing and yesterday I met his bro, sis-n-law, and nephew.. Wasn’t planned or anything but it happened and I am glad. I got to see a little bit more of his world and it was nice. We also had a moment that was from me having an anxiety attack from tiredness.. it was a bad that turned good.. I really do not doubt our worlds colliding, i am thankful for it in every possible way.

Last but NOT LEAST.. tonight is Crock Pot Pot Roast and I couldn’t be more excited!!!

Tomorrow is my one year. Words will come to me at some point. Tonight I will try to find the pictures to match.

Sending you love!

This week will be my one year since surgery. I watched some old videos last night with The Man.. it...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:50:26 -0400

This week will be my one year since surgery. I watched some old videos last night with The Man.. it was errie. Creeped me out a little… I know I look different even though some days I feel the exact same.. or that it was “only” 20lbs and not 90… Trying to think of words that sum up a year.. I’ve got til Thursday.

Preach

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 12:31:42 -0400

Preach

Friday

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 12:26:25 -0400

So this is my first “Friday” in a long time… Welp, since November when I was working full time.

This weekend!!! I don’t have much planned, farmer’s market tomorrow morning and a stop by Alex and Ani.. some laundry- I gots to put that shit away.. and painting my nails and toes. Rough life.

The Man is sick :( Little better today but no working tastebuds, So that makes cooking less fun (and eating for him). I really hope that he gets to feeling better after today.. Poor guy, and I want some time with him this weekend! It feels like forever.. just because I have only seen him asleep this week..

And tomorrow will be 3 months since I knocked on his door. Best decision I ever did was to walk into a stranger’s house…

Happy Friday!!

I beat the traffic gods today! That storm this morning really was a perfect storm! Maybe people...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:53:34 -0400

I beat the traffic gods today! That storm this morning really was a perfect storm! Maybe people didn’t go to work?!?
Either way I was able to make record time, and I stopped to get a slurped and coke and cherry were both awesome!
I’m picking up some hot and sour soup now for The Man because he is really sick… :( he’s sleeping but I’m gonna take it to him and hope it helps.

It’s already been like this all week too. I’m in...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 07:09:07 -0400

It’s already been like this all week too. I’m in FL.. You know, the SUNSHINE state!! Sorry Vicki, my Seattle love, it just won’t ever ever happen.

Confessions of a stressed out gal

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 12:40:23 -0400

So overall you would actually come to think that I am pretty calm. This job isn’t really stressing me out now that I am understanding things more and feel more in control of managing my actual position. Even though the other girl quit and I have been handling the country, it has been steady…. steady is great. BUT they are still going to hire someone else that will start next week and I just feel eh on maybe there not being enough work? We will see…

Moving on…. I get anxious. For no reason. Too much coffee? over eating?

Speaking of eating. I can eat more now. I FEEL like I can eat the same amount as before surgery, but I know that is not true. It is just more… I don’t get full as fast. AND then I tend to overeat to this point that I almost feel anxiety from it and not pain, and swear to not do it again… until the next time I eat. It is weird. This is why I went to the market last night and I am surrounding myself with good stuff to shove in my face aside from carbs. Shit, why are crunchy carbs SO GOOD?!?!

Next up… I started smoking again. WTF?!?! I mean I stopped over two and half years ago and never even picked one up… and now.. and I don’t WANT to… The Man does smoke and he knows I had ONE on Sat (not his) but i haven’t even told him I even bought a pack. Ugh.. I am ashamed. I feel like i am living outside my body or something, but I am still happy! Maybe it is just a control thing?

I woke up at 5:30 to prepare the meatballs for dinner tonight. I fell asleep last night before getting to that. So I will get home and make dinner and I already have cut up cucumber, tomatoes and carrots waiting for me in the work kitchen.

Almost one year out. Oh.. and my new dress from Ross, ripped this morning… in the car.. before getting to work. Thank God I have a sweater to cover it up. I feel like a fat ass, but I am TRYING to think it is just bc it is cheap and from Ross… not really working though.

I’ll end on a good note and say that I just got my renewal for my car insurance and I am down to $66/mnth… HOLLA!

Got shit done

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 20:27:11 -0400

Went to work, got gas on the way and somehow landed 30min early ?!? Worked like a champ. The other woman on assignment quit, so I’m pulling double duty.

Sat I traffic after I found a faster way to the highway- I’ll get it down one of these days.

Went to dsw and returned unneeded shoes (who am I?!? )
Went to Ross and landed 4 new dresses, underwear (size M???!?), and a cardigan.
Went and got my eyebrows waxed.
Went to the supermarket and got good (healthy) food and stuff to make homemade meatballs tomorrow for The man.. And just got home and now going to prep for said meal.
Whew. It’s already 8:30.
How do you people have children?!?

Been baking and decorating since last night for my...

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 11:39:42 -0400

Been baking and decorating since last night for my nephew’s first bday! All made from scratch with love!

Still here...

Thu, 30 May 2013 13:10:46 -0400

I am still here.. been working.

I love this company.. I mean.. I really like them so far.(they have gumball and skittle machines (for free!) and Starbucks coffee in the kitchen/ industrial ice maker!!!) It has been a lot of information and all but the first week is always like that and then it will be second nature and all gravy.

The drive though.

Ain’t gonna lie.. last night it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get home and then I just had a list of things to do (grab clothes, make lunch for next day, etc) and then I went to The Man’s and I was talking to him and he was like “I’ve never seen you this way..” and I said, ” I know, I am really irritated..” and then i just started crying.

Honestly I do not know why, I think I was so drained. I mean it turns an 8-hr work day into a 11-12 hr day… The morning commute I can deal with.. roughly 40-45min.. but moves. I am going to try ANOTHER way home today (and tomorrow) just to see if I can find a better way. There are a lot of different ways to go… just a lot in tolls too.

The recruiter called me and said the other woman on the assignment wants to switch shifts but she knows where I stand on my hours and she supports me.

It will get better… and on the up-side.. The Man officially signed for his route, so now he owns it and will get paid more for all the work he has been doing, i am super proud! And we are doing really well, oddly enough I have seen him more now than even before. ha. We had a good talk this weekend and well… I just think he is great :)

Hope you are all doing well, I have been reading… :)

XOXO

First day of the new job

Tue, 28 May 2013 07:01:28 -0400

First day of the new job

More job details

Tue, 21 May 2013 09:30:36 -0400

I will know more later, but what I know now..

Working for a company called Chep. They are a shipping pooling company and I will be working with their sister company to prioritize their orders. It is a new position and they are hiring two of us to fulfill it. I will be on contract through a recruiter for 3 months and HOPE TO HELL to get hire on after that. I am not worried about proving myself.

This is very similar to the last job I had, but just different product. The FUNNY part is that anyone that knows me, knows I do NOT like Walmart AT ALL.., and it appears I will be working closely with them in this position.. The Man finds this very funny.

This morning I am going to go to the recruiter for the drug test, she is doing the background check.. all no worries on my end.. and she asked how soon I could start.. I said Friday (bc I am off from work) and then Monday after that. I am going to finish out the month with Alex and Ani and still work there next weekend.

When I told the new store manager (I have only known her a week and half) she did not want me to go, but understood that I needed a FT job with benefits.. she said she is going to talk to the district manager … I am not expecting anything to happen ASAP, but I told them to keep me in mind in the future for such a position because I do love working for the company…

All is great. Really great and even though it has been for awhile.. I am still so worried that the Universe gave me the wrong deck of cards and is going to take it away and realize it was for someone else..

The Man is still working a lot, he loved his birthday and present.. he said it would have just been another day, if it wasn’t for me.. The schedules will be difficult but I truly believe that we will figure it out..

Now, i am going to unsubscribe to ALL OF THE JOB EMAILS!

XOXO

I got the job. Start ASAP and let’s hope AnA let’s me finish the month out

Mon, 20 May 2013 15:52:33 -0400

I got the job.

Start ASAP and let’s hope AnA let’s me finish the month out

Monday...

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:16:16 -0400

I should hear back from that job today on whether or not I have it. We shall see…

It is The Man’s birthday today and I CANNOT wait to give him his presents! and for dinner he requested I make him pizza.. gladly! So i am working til 4, then to the market and then off to see him. Yesterday we got some good quality time in, so I am feeling better indeed.

Yesterday I said to him, “I love being with you..” and after a few seconds he was like, “Whew, i was scared for a min there..” Meaning that he HEARD “I love you…”

I have thought about it and I know that his reaction is not going to be a good one at this point, if I did say it. I even have dreams working this whole thing out and each time he is not down with it. I even told him that yesterday… he didn’t believe me and I said I just had a dream last night (next to him, btw) that he flipped about it.

Honestly, I don’t even know… I don’t know when the little timer buzzes and you know. I know I am falling in love with him, but i don’t know anything else and maybe i don’t have to. Remember, i don’t know healthy… So this is new territory for me and not that I think it would mess things up if I did feel like saying it, but I don’t even know.. I think I need more than little over two months to acknowledge it…

I know that with his schedule being so wacky, I am in for a fun at least 3-6 months until his route clears up more.. but honestly..

I waited 30 years to knock on his door… if I have to go three more months seeing him once a week… I will be just fine. Destiny has brought us together and I gotta stop trying to fight that and just let it be.

So here is to The Man’s birthday and me hopefully getting a FT job today! Happy Monday XOXO

Flashback Friday

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:10:52 -0400

When I went to LA to see Andre, we went to this little town on the way back from San Diego and they had little crafts and such and I remember seeing this one in particular and just loving what it said..

” Sometimes we don’t know we have a dream, until we have a dream come true.’

I know I have talked about dreaming bigger, but it is so true. I don’t really have dreams that don’t come true because I don’t dream often enough, but I can tell ya… I didn’t know The Man at this time, I was without a job (still waiting to hear back on an official offer today, btw) BUT I really understood this phrase.

And now I understand it even more. There are things that happen with The Man that i never thought would for me… I haven’t had a mutual, healthy relationship in my adult life and for me to have one.. was just a dream for me.

Listen, he is not perfect but newsflash, neither am I. I have had to give up on the notion that I am actually. That it is okay I make mistakes, and now that I have come to terms with that, it is easier to accept that others are the same way… I really think we are great together and I’m happy about that. I find myself and my recovering co-dependent self catching or almost cringing when I hear him say that I make him happy, or… that I even think the same. In the past, I thought people did make me happy and maybe they did but not in a healthy way… but I shouldn’t cringe when I hear that because when it is healthy it is okay.. He does make me happy. I am happy alone, but he should make me happy, duh! and I want to make him happy too! It doesn’t mean ” you are my everything and i am miserable without you..”

I’d like to say that one day I won’t analyze things as much ( i know Dre is thinking that by now..) but truth is… I will be this way. I am just glad I am coming to better conclusions at the end.

Dreams do come true, even if I never allowed myself to have them.

"Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. See God opening millions of flowers every..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:36:01 -0400

“Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. See God opening millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds.”

- Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (via thelittleyellowdiary)
Today. Yes.

allthingsconsiderate: This is worthwhile. artdawdlings: Bruce...

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:32:31 -0400

allthingsconsiderate:

This is worthwhile.

artdawdlings:

Bruce Mau’s Incomplete Manifesto for Growth. Currently at 43. Very cool - I mean interesting.
Allow events to change you.
You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

Forget about good.
Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you’ll never have real growth.

Process is more important than outcome.
When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we’ve already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).
Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

Go deep.
The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

Capture accidents.
The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

Study.
A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.

Drift.
Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

Begin anywhere.
John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.

Everyone is a leader.
Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.

Harvest ideas.
Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.

Keep moving.
The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.

Slow down.
Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves.

Don’t be cool.
Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort.

Ask stupid questions.
Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.

Collaborate.
The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.

____________________.
Intentionally left blank. Allow space for the ideas you haven’t had yet, and for the ideas of others.

Stay up late.
Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you’re separated from the rest of the world.

Work the metaphor.
Every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. Work on what it stands for.

Be careful to take risks.
Time is genetic. Today is the child of yesterday and the parent of tomorrow. The work you produce today will create your future.

Repeat yourself.
If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.

Make your own tools.
Hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. Even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. Remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.

Stand on someone’s shoulders.
You can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. And the view is so much better.

Avoid software.
The problem with software is that everyone has it.

Don’t clean your desk.
You might find something in the morning that you can’t see tonight.

Don’t enter awards competitions.
Just don’t. It’s not good for you.

Read only left-hand pages.
Marshall McLuhan did this. By decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our “noodle.”

Make new words.
Expand the lexicon. The new conditions demand a new way of thinking. The thinking demands new forms of expression. The expression generates new conditions.

Think with your mind.
Forget technology. Creativity is not device-dependent.

Organization = Liberty.
Real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. That context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. The myth of a split between “creatives” and “suits” is what Leonard Cohen calls a ‘charming artifact of the past.’

Don’t borrow money.
Once again, Frank Gehry’s advice. By maintaining financial control, we maintain creative control. It’s not exactly rocket science, but it’s surprising how hard it is to maintain this discipline, and how many have failed.

Listen carefully.
Every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. By listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. Neither party will ever be the same.

Take field trips.
The bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic–simulated environment.

Make mistakes faster.
This isn’t my idea — I borrowed it. I think it belongs to Andy Grove.

Imitate.
Don’t be shy about it. Try to get as close as you can. You’ll never get all the way, and the separation might be truly remarkable. We have only to look to Richard Hamilton and his version of Marcel Duchamp’s large glass to see how rich, discredited, and underused imitation is as a technique.

Scat.
When you forget the words, do what Ella did: make up something else … but not words.

Break it, stretch it, bend it, crush it, crack it, fold it.

Explore the other edge.
Great liberty exists when we avoid trying to run with the technological pack. We can’t find the leading edge because it’s trampled underfoot. Try using old-tech equipment made obsolete by an economic cycle but still rich with potential.

Coffee breaks, cab rides, green rooms.
Real growth often happens outside of where we intend it to, in the interstitial spaces — what Dr. Seuss calls “the waiting place.” Hans Ulrich Obrist once organized a science and art conference with all of the infrastructure of a conference — the parties, chats, lunches, airport arrivals — but with no actual conference. Apparently it was hugely successful and spawned many ongoing collaborations.

Avoid fields.
Jump fences. Disciplinary boundaries and regulatory regimes are attempts to control the wilding of creative life. They are often understandable efforts to order what are manifold, complex, evolutionary processes. Our job is to jump the fences and cross the fields.

Laugh.
People visiting the studio often comment on how much we laugh. Since I’ve become aware of this, I use it as a barometer of how comfortably we are expressing ourselves.

Remember.
Growth is only possible as a product of history. Without memory, innovation is merely novelty. History gives growth a direction. But a memory is never perfect. Every memory is a degraded or composite image of a previous moment or event. That’s what makes us aware of its quality as a past and not a present. It means that every memory is new, a partial construct different from its source, and, as such, a potential for growth itself.

Power to the people.
Play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. We can’t be free agents if we’re not free.

This.

I had a talk with The Man yesterday about the whole ticking clock and it was good. He is starting a...

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:43:08 -0400

I had a talk with The Man yesterday about the whole ticking clock and it was good. He is starting a new quest on the career front and we are new and schedules and such… but we both want it to work which is what matters.

Last night the recruiter called and said the company I interviewed over the phone with on Tuesday wants me. She asked me which shift i would prefer and when I could start and said she would get back to me.. so we will see.. I am not jumping up and down just yet. Not to mention that this job is not near my house, but I would like to have a more stable job and that way The Man and I can also get into our groove.

What is for you will not pass you.

After I hear back from the recruiter and know more, then I will be working this evening and have to tell them.. and I am not looking forward to that conversation.