oh i forgot to tell you! So The Man met the fam and my BIL was not there! So thankful! and mom liked him (duh). It was weird actually.. it was POURING down rain and so it made it hard to talk (we were sitting on the back patio) and I was SOOO tired, so i think it was all a blur but it went well and now mom will hush about how she hasn’t met him yet.. :)
So when I was unpacking some boxes, I came across some pictures from 2007.. I truly do not ever remember myself this size. Oddly, even though it was 6 years ago… it was the same weight/ size I was before surgery last year too… so here are some comparisons for you.. (i should wait for birthday dress!) 
30 years recap
I figured I would write my birthday post now before going to work rather than trying to make it tomorrow when I will be busy.
When i was a little girl, I never dreamed big enough. I lived in my realist world that I only allowed tv/movies/theatre to touch with any ounce of fantasy. Maybe this is what happens when you grow up without a parent. In some ways without both parents because the one that is left is working enough for two, but I digress…
Years later and I barely watch tv or go to the movies (I still love theatre) but I dream bigger now and then I search to make it a reality. I can remember at an early age looking forward to my 30s. Thinking they would be the best years. As someone that matured faster than most kids, I think I just thought finally by 30 people wouldn’t question me as much.
Here I sit, about to go to my part time job which I am struggling with mentally.. I mean i LOVE the company, but working 5x a day for PT work and bringing home like $200… it kinda wears on me mentally. I am getting through it.
Tonight, I will get home and put on my size Large birthday dress and go out to a nice Greek dinner at Cat Cora’s restaurant (first time!) with a man that I see a future with.. and I will let the stars wrap around me and find so much peace that these years on this earth have made me the woman I am today and I love her.
Today, I dream bigger than when I was a little girl. I encourage everyone to dream bigger. Also, I can say that I am truly grateful everyday for the relationships I have in my life. The one with my Creator, myself, and my friends and family… even the ones I have with complete strangers.
Smiles, laughs, hugs, kind words… this is what we should all spread each day. I thought i would be someone else at 30, but I am so much better than that person. I cannot wait to see what the next 30 years on this earth teach me and what blessings are ahead for me! I thank you all for reading my stories, supporting, and encouraging me as well…some of you have been doing it for two and half years!
I will post pictures soon as well- I was surprised by what I saw.. and I will def take date night pictures tonight!! I wanna show you my dress! XOXOX- Cortney
The homemade carrot cake I made for my birthday party today! It’s not in a pathetic way, but in a present-to-myself to get to bake kinda way :)
There are these moments in life that I wish I could bottle up and drink on a rainy day and when there is a series of days/ months; a time period, i feel like that time could be bottled up and quench any thirst I may have during a dry spell in life.
These moments can be small.. a cup of coffee alone on a beautiful morning.. a child’s laugh… the smile that tells you so much behind it.
Right now I am in a series of days and it is just amazing. I am so truly blessed. Part of me is writing this as my way to bottle it up for a “rainy” day .. but mostly because I feel I may explode if I don’t get some of this out into the world.
This is my birthday week, my 30th is on Wednesday.. Today, I am having a couple of friends over to my sister’s with my family for my birthday celebration… and The Man. 6 weeks of getting to know each other and he is wiling and wanting to meet my mom/ rest of my family and it means the world to me. No question that he and I are on the same page..
This is my first mutual and healthy adult relationship and it is absolutely amazing. I hope that each day we continue to live in the moment and appreciate each other for who they are. I know we will fight at some point and I know he is not perfect, but I truly believe it is how you fight and if they are perfect for you.
It is the small things that make our lives, but they are not small at all.. it is the bundles of tulips that he gets and the way he appreciates that you don’t want to spend all his money at a restaurant every time you eat together, but you just want to spend time with him… eating great supermarket subs (Publix philly anyone?) and bake your birthday carrot cake on a Saturday night… because those are the moments and days I want in a jar.. sitting on a shelf.. lighting up the dark days.
Slurpee tongue and swimming- not a bad day off at all :)
Self connected
I am off from work today and I woke up and went to the gym for yoga. I had been to this instructor before but not this gym in years and there was only one other woman there (one more after I got there) but sometimes that is all you need. This morning I just threw on my sports bra, sweats, and a tank and headed out… I actually felt thin today. It has been a VERY long time since that has been the case; noticing that I started to feel self conscious even having sex with The Man this week, and all on me… he has NEVER made me think he is anything but attracted to me… Just that extra skin.. the parts of me that I wish wouldn’t still hold on to it, the deflated breast…
But today, I weighed myself and officially 81lbs lighter than I was in June and presumably at least that since last year at this time… I can say AHHHH.. for the first time, I am proud of myself.
That is an empowering feeling. Very. My validation doesn’t come from The Man, but my own view of myself. The way I was able to hold my poses, stretch, honor my body and not just see a stomach getting in the way.
I ran errands, saw my family, and now I am back home and am going to bake banana bread because I want to bake! I have some more unpacking to finish and maybe go see The Man later. We discussed that we like missing each other and we like seeing each other too..lol so both is nice..
Oh and he said he is super excited to give me my birthday present!!! I haven’t had a boyfriend in 6 years on my birthday..I wasn’t even expecting him to get me anything. Did i mention he is meeting the family on Sunday!!?!?!
Today I am thankful for self awareness and Self. Baking. Time. Music. Laughs. Memories.
To my “married” readers
Whether you are married or just in a long term relationship… when do you stop being scared?
I feel like sometimes I let myself go with The Man and then when I am alone with my head I think that it could all just go away. I am sure with time this will get easier, but i feel like a fucking crazy person sometimes. I mean, I am going to pull the hormone card on this one, but still..
I can feel myself falling and it has been so long since I have even allowed that thought to happen, let alone find someone worthy of that thought. He is such an amazing man. He visited me at work this morning when he got done with his job, we spent the night in each other’s arms, and here I am sitting crying because I see myself falling for this man in the first mutual relationship I have had maybe ever and especially in my “adult” life and I think… what if he just leaves? And then I think so what if he does, Cortney? You go on, but if i keep thinking that then A-I am going to will it to happen B- I will smother him in hopes to not lose him C- I am going to just go crazy.
He has given me no reason to think he is going anywhere. He is going to meet my family/ mom on Sunday for my birthday… and then there is this part of me that is just so afraid. What if he is tired/bored of me?
When does this go away?
You can’t be hateful and grateful at the same time.
Today, I would like to make a gratitude list for my own good. I need to focus a little more and shake off all of things that I cannot control.
In no particular order:
My health.Love. My family. My ability to look at the positive things in life. My friends. My heart. Smiling. Food/shelter/clothing. My growth. My ability to grow. My mind. Laughing. Sense of humor. Cooking/baking. My ability to connect. My uniqueness. Sunshine. The things that I have let go of. Coffee. My education. Kindness. Belief. Faith. Trust. Hope. Flowers. Stars. Moon. Music. Me.
Yeah, I actually was thinking about you when I posted this…
