“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”—C.S. Lewis (via thelittleyellowdiary)
In this last week I have been witness to three souls leaving this earth. Each one impacted lives differently, but each for the good.
And that is what it all comes down to.
I ache more for the missed memories. There are no more new stories about these individuals and their battles. I have seen love from all over come and to be honest my love is there but in these times it is hard for me to show it.
I tend to keep to myself and process. What do you say when someone loses someone they love. What do I even say to myself? Cancer and disease.. they just exist. The most I have gotten out was “I am thinking about you.” And as hard as it was, the response was always positive and left me realizing how strong they are.
There will only be old memories and tattoos and wishes on stars. And in hope that one day we meet again. I still don’t understand how the world keeps moving.. how people still manage to complain about the slightest of things, how bad moods exist… when even those that have lost so much manage to put a smile on and try to make the best out of really the worst situations.
Death has never been my strong suit. I live most days wondering who is next in my life.. trying to make the most out of it and my relationships and then sometimes I get so tired thinking that I will miss something or someone. That call I didn’t make.. that dinner I didn’t attend… that “I love you” I didn’t get to say.
Today a dear friend celebrated her daughter’s life… this last week another friend celebrated his father’s and then this weekend my family will gather to celebrate my father in law’s. I still cannot believe that I won’t get to hear him say how beautiful I am again.. or hear one of his crazy stories about watches or harmonicas… or cars.. or anything that was random. I’ll never look at Dodge Rams the same knowing that was the truck he loved to drive.. or even my nephew that will never remember him.
But life is for the celebrating and the moments and the memories. My sister is taking the oldest with her to the funeral in NY to be with my bro-in-law’s family, which is giving me a weekend with the baby. A nice distraction in this time. His laugh can turn any day around. And we will make memories and make the most out of it.
At the end of the day… at the end of our lives… it is all we have to leave. It is not the money, the clothes, the make up, the jewelry, the cars… its the hugs and the smiles.. the i love you-s and the memories.
May they rest in peace. May all left to survive this world be left with peace and joy in their hearts. May the world be filled with color once again..
As I sit here.. frozen in time.. thinking all the thoughts.
How is someone here and then they are not. And not because they left and they are somewhere else but because they are gone.. only living between memories.
Today, it does not appear that my BIL’s father will make it to see another day. We are all so close. So close that to say he is only related due to my sister marrying his son, seem equivalent to the bond that the years have given to my family and theirs to be called one.
Last week my brother was in NY seeing him because his lung cancer had returned along with pneumonia. Literally a deadly combination. He is packing now, but by the time he makes it back to NY it looks like it will be too late… and tomorrow is my brother’s birthday.
Last week two other people I know had their world’s shattered and I have another one waiting on a lung transplant..
The world keeps going on.. when it feels it should stop. When it feels like laughter, holidays, joy, happiness… it should all stop for a moment.. to remember these people.. but it doesn’t and maybe in doing so it pushes us to try to obtain some normalcy.
There is nothing normal about having someone there and then they are not. Nothing. Even if it happens all the time.. even if it happens three times in a week…
MY heart is breaking for those that feel the world should stop.. but there is a time when you will enjoy laughter, holidays, joy and happiness again…
When people mention that life is short.. i don’t think it is the years that they are talking about. I think someone 90 years old can feel the same way and I think it comes from knowing one day we are here and then we are not. But what really matters is how we chose to live it.. with honor and love and peace… To make the most out of each moment even if making the most is sitting on your couch in your PJs.. never take that for granted.
My heart just hurts. and I know it is going to for some time..
I’m left with a million questions and little desire to answer them. See, I searched before for the answers to my questions and ended up chasing my tail… The answers are always just there and sometimes the answer is that there just isn’t one.
There is a piece of us that fills that in and on a good day it is with hope and faith. I don’t understand life.. I don’t get why certain hands are dealt to certain individuals but I don’t really need to know.
At the end of the day, we just need to be there for them- or for ourselves. I won’t have all the answers while I am on earth and I know I will still seek but may I have more the courage to just accept. To stop questioning so much that I miss the answer.. And the beauty right before me.
I have that wish for everyone.
Hey Courtney Haven't seen much from you in awhile. Just wanted to check in and see how things are going?
Well hello! Thanks for checking on me. I am doing well, very well actually. I took time away from Tumblr and I have been reading post here and there but just haven’t been in the mood to write… i think that may be coming to an end and everyone will get to hear about nothing once again! Hope you are well (saw some lawyer thing?)
I saw it on her face. I saw it when she looked up and I could tell it was a natural reaction; involuntary just the same as breathing.
Sitting in Starbucks, forcing myself to drink some trenta sized green teas just so that I can stay hydrated because I seem to be awful at this before surgery and since. I woke up with a splitting headache that seemed should have only followed an extreme night of drinking, but was rather from the opposite. I knew.. I knew right then that I needed to get fluids in. So i am sitting at Starbucks, looking up recipes for the week and making a grocery list. Fast food must stop.
I walked in to two rather large women sitting at a table doing some type of craft project and I saw the looks. I sat in the now-to-me comfy chair and started on my laptop. Then she came. A woman in her 40s, in scrubs, medical ID badge hanging from her pocket and a clipboard and papers in hand. She didn’t smile hello to me or anything, but not everyone is like me.
Then another woman walked in. I only saw her long enough for her to pick up her drink at the counter, but I saw the look. The woman next to me looked up and this third woman made the others seem small in comparison. I could tell she was just trying to get through life. Her ability to not want to be noticed. She didn’t linger. She grabbed and went. And there the woman next to me was with that look.
I saw the look before I saw the woman, I followed her eyes… Like she was almost compelled to say something to her had she stayed any longer. This is someone in the medical industry; you’d think she had seen worse.
I know that look. I may even give it unknowingly sometimes, but I am so conscious of it. Anyone that has lived the overweight life knows this look. The how can you possible let that happen to you. Like being overweight is so glorious that everyone that is just decided to let themselves go.
I hate that presumptuous look. I still feel it on me.
This morning The Man woke up for work as a Grumpy Guss and it seems he hasn’t been able to shake it. It is fine, we all have bad days and need our space; i get it!
The thing was this morning when I sent him my “good morning” text which is usually responded to within 30 min, and it wasn’t responded to two hours later.. I started to get worried. I think that this man thinks the world of me but in those two hours I still had my moments of doubt.. where I thought his one bad day was going to end us. That he was going to say he didn’t want to do this anymore. All rational aside, right… I knew that it was crazy thinking.
Most days I am so very thankful for every person that I was ever with and their ability to make me appreciate The Man so much more. I know what I have with him is unlike the rest and he is such a good person.
But I also want to curse those relationships for allowing an insecurity to grow with assurance over the years.
Things are great and people have bad days… it doesn’t mean that they will just up and leave because they cannot shake ONE BAD DAY (that you had nothing to even do with).
“Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living.”—Daniell Koepke (via ihopeyoulikeblackberries)
Last night I slept at my mom’s because I had to get the dog to the vet and all this jazz and it was just best to stay there after two and half hours in the car. I fell asleep pretty fast but I just tossed and turned all night.
I feel like it is because I wasn’t with The Man. I never sleep the same as I do with him (even when it is interrupted sleep with him going to work in the middle of it). Then I freaked a little this morning.. realizing that my body has even gotten used to him in some way. My heart.. well, my heart loves being with him.
I feel like I am myself when I am with him. Not that I am different around him, but I feel different. I feel like a woman, and a grown up, that I am accepted for all I am, and a million other things, but those… I just have always been treated as the baby and when I am with him, I am his baby but I am a woman that would consider walking through fire and ice to make sure that this works out the best as it can.
I think that I just got scared of that moment thinking that this could all go away and even though I don’t think that it will, it just left me feeling vulnerable. I think that love can and does empower but there is this part where I realize I am actually becoming dependent on him to some degree that I want someone to just be there saying it is ok.. maybe I will ask the Magic 8 Ball.
I’m tired today from the lack of a solid sleep and I know I’ll stop being so silly in my mind by tomorrow… just a thought today.
Some days I dream… i let go and think about what life was without you… what life would be without you again. I wonder where I would be, what I would still be searching for.. what I wouldn’t know existed yet.. I usually end up with a smile on my face at this point because I don’t have to think about it. I hear the dating website commercials and I think of the freedom I have that I am not still searching for something that exists in my life already.. and how you are so perfect for me. There are these little moments and they are hard to explain.. the words seem that they have been misused before.. but there are these moments where you just seem to fulfill a need of mine without knowing it. You make my ocean calm. I guess this is what being in love is like. Heaven knows it has been some time since I have even thought about what that really even means and this time I want it to mean what it should.
Every day I want to say thank you, that I am grateful that I don’t have to live in this world without you for today. That you sober my drunken thoughts that have been brought on by drinking too many previous lies.
Some days I dream and in the end it just makes me fall harder for you.
Thank you and a million kisses from my lips to yours.
So here we are… One year since I went to the hospital and paid a doctor to remove 80% of my stomach. Those that have been on the journey with me for some time know that it was a long road until that point. The frustration, the workouts, more frustration, the unhappiness. But I decided to have the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy and changed my life.
I’d love to sit here and tell you that I don’t feel like that old girl, but I do.. sometimes. I still see her in the mirror. I still think people see her when the office floor moves or the elevator shifts when I walk in. She still is apart of me. She still gets scared and sees nothing but extra skin and fat when she looks in the mirror… but i am not her. I know it will take time to get used to this new body and I still want her to change a little more.. but I love her. I love the confidence I have when i walk into a store and can wear clothes off the rack.. when i can play with my nephews.. and when I can do things like I never thought I would.. like zip lining in the middle of a cruise ship.
I still have a lot i want to do in life.. in general.. but I can say that since surgery, things do not scare me as much. I realize that I can take great risks and see results. It hasn’t been the easiest journey and it will continue to be a learning experience throughout, but that is life. Life isn’t easy but it has always been worth it.. every diet, lifestyle change, heartbreak… it has all been worth it to make us the people we are in the present. and for that I am nothing short of grateful.
So thank you for your support. Thank you for your commitment to me and my life. Here’s to more pictures and more smiles and more days of grateful.
Let’s see.. Yesterday little Monkey turned one and he is ridiculously cute and makes me laugh so much and is adorable and no.. i still have NO IDEA if i want children.
Secondly, the guys at work started to talk to me!!!! Like not just about work. Also, my boss keeps sending me compliments and said she likes the job I am doing. #whew. They still haven’t hired someone else, so MAYBE I will just be it?!?!
Third, The Man is so amazing and yesterday I met his bro, sis-n-law, and nephew.. Wasn’t planned or anything but it happened and I am glad. I got to see a little bit more of his world and it was nice. We also had a moment that was from me having an anxiety attack from tiredness.. it was a bad that turned good.. I really do not doubt our worlds colliding, i am thankful for it in every possible way.
Last but NOT LEAST.. tonight is Crock Pot Pot Roast and I couldn’t be more excited!!!
Tomorrow is my one year. Words will come to me at some point. Tonight I will try to find the pictures to match.
This week will be my one year since surgery. I watched some old videos last night with The Man.. it was errie. Creeped me out a little… I know I look different even though some days I feel the exact same.. or that it was “only” 20lbs and not 90… Trying to think of words that sum up a year.. I’ve got til Thursday.
So this is my first “Friday” in a long time… Welp, since November when I was working full time.
This weekend!!! I don’t have much planned, farmer’s market tomorrow morning and a stop by Alex and Ani.. some laundry- I gots to put that shit away.. and painting my nails and toes. Rough life.
The Man is sick :( Little better today but no working tastebuds, So that makes cooking less fun (and eating for him). I really hope that he gets to feeling better after today.. Poor guy, and I want some time with him this weekend! It feels like forever.. just because I have only seen him asleep this week..
And tomorrow will be 3 months since I knocked on his door. Best decision I ever did was to walk into a stranger’s house…
I beat the traffic gods today! That storm this morning really was a perfect storm! Maybe people didn’t go to work?!?
Either way I was able to make record time, and I stopped to get a slurped and coke and cherry were both awesome!
I’m picking up some hot and sour soup now for The Man because he is really sick… :( he’s sleeping but I’m gonna take it to him and hope it helps.
So overall you would actually come to think that I am pretty calm. This job isn’t really stressing me out now that I am understanding things more and feel more in control of managing my actual position. Even though the other girl quit and I have been handling the country, it has been steady…. steady is great. BUT they are still going to hire someone else that will start next week and I just feel eh on maybe there not being enough work? We will see…
Moving on…. I get anxious. For no reason. Too much coffee? over eating?
Speaking of eating. I can eat more now. I FEELlike I can eat the same amount as before surgery, but I know that is not true. It is just more… I don’t get full as fast. AND then I tend to overeat to this point that I almost feel anxiety from it and not pain, and swear to not do it again… until the next time I eat. It is weird. This is why I went to the market last night and I am surrounding myself with good stuff to shove in my face aside from carbs. Shit, why are crunchy carbs SO GOOD?!?!
Next up… I started smoking again. WTF?!?! I mean I stopped over two and half years ago and never even picked one up… and now.. and I don’t WANT to… The Man does smoke and he knows I had ONE on Sat (not his) but i haven’t even told him I even bought a pack. Ugh.. I am ashamed. I feel like i am living outside my body or something, but I am still happy! Maybe it is just a control thing?
I woke up at 5:30 to prepare the meatballs for dinner tonight. I fell asleep last night before getting to that. So I will get home and make dinner and I already have cut up cucumber, tomatoes and carrots waiting for me in the work kitchen.
Almost one year out. Oh.. and my new dress from Ross, ripped this morning… in the car.. before getting to work. Thank God I have a sweater to cover it up. I feel like a fat ass, but I am TRYING to think it is just bc it is cheap and from Ross… not really working though.
I’ll end on a good note and say that I just got my renewal for my car insurance and I am down to $66/mnth… HOLLA!
Went to work, got gas on the way and somehow landed 30min early ?!? Worked like a champ. The other woman on assignment quit, so I’m pulling double duty.
Sat I traffic after I found a faster way to the highway- I’ll get it down one of these days.
Went to dsw and returned unneeded shoes (who am I?!? )
Went to Ross and landed 4 new dresses, underwear (size M???!?), and a cardigan.
Went and got my eyebrows waxed.
Went to the supermarket and got good (healthy) food and stuff to make homemade meatballs tomorrow for The man.. And just got home and now going to prep for said meal.
Whew. It’s already 8:30.
How do you people have children?!?
I love this company.. I mean.. I really like them so far.(they have gumball and skittle machines (for free!) and Starbucks coffee in the kitchen/ industrial ice maker!!!) It has been a lot of information and all but the first week is always like that and then it will be second nature and all gravy.
The drive though.
Ain’t gonna lie.. last night it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get home and then I just had a list of things to do (grab clothes, make lunch for next day, etc) and then I went to The Man’s and I was talking to him and he was like “I’ve never seen you this way..” and I said, ” I know, I am really irritated..” and then i just started crying.
Honestly I do not know why, I think I was so drained. I mean it turns an 8-hr work day into a 11-12 hr day… The morning commute I can deal with.. roughly 40-45min.. but moves. I am going to try ANOTHER way home today (and tomorrow) just to see if I can find a better way. There are a lot of different ways to go… just a lot in tolls too.
The recruiter called me and said the other woman on the assignment wants to switch shifts but she knows where I stand on my hours and she supports me.
It will get better… and on the up-side.. The Man officially signed for his route, so now he owns it and will get paid more for all the work he has been doing, i am super proud! And we are doing really well, oddly enough I have seen him more now than even before. ha. We had a good talk this weekend and well… I just think he is great :)
Hope you are all doing well, I have been reading… :)
Working for a company called Chep. They are a shipping pooling company and I will be working with their sister company to prioritize their orders. It is a new position and they are hiring two of us to fulfill it. I will be on contract through a recruiter for 3 months and HOPE TO HELL to get hire on after that. I am not worried about proving myself.
This is very similar to the last job I had, but just different product. The FUNNY part is that anyone that knows me, knows I do NOT like Walmart AT ALL.., and it appears I will be working closely with them in this position.. The Man finds this very funny.
This morning I am going to go to the recruiter for the drug test, she is doing the background check.. all no worries on my end.. and she asked how soon I could start.. I said Friday (bc I am off from work) and then Monday after that. I am going to finish out the month with Alex and Ani and still work there next weekend.
When I told the new store manager (I have only known her a week and half) she did not want me to go, but understood that I needed a FT job with benefits.. she said she is going to talk to the district manager … I am not expecting anything to happen ASAP, but I told them to keep me in mind in the future for such a position because I do love working for the company…
All is great. Really great and even though it has been for awhile.. I am still so worried that the Universe gave me the wrong deck of cards and is going to take it away and realize it was for someone else..
The Man is still working a lot, he loved his birthday and present.. he said it would have just been another day, if it wasn’t for me.. The schedules will be difficult but I truly believe that we will figure it out..
Now, i am going to unsubscribe to ALL OF THE JOB EMAILS!
I should hear back from that job today on whether or not I have it. We shall see…
It is The Man’s birthday today and I CANNOT wait to give him his presents! and for dinner he requested I make him pizza.. gladly! So i am working til 4, then to the market and then off to see him. Yesterday we got some good quality time in, so I am feeling better indeed.
Yesterday I said to him, “I love being with you..” and after a few seconds he was like, “Whew, i was scared for a min there..” Meaning that he HEARD “I love you…”
I have thought about it and I know that his reaction is not going to be a good one at this point, if I did say it. I even have dreams working this whole thing out and each time he is not down with it. I even told him that yesterday… he didn’t believe me and I said I just had a dream last night (next to him, btw) that he flipped about it.
Honestly, I don’t even know… I don’t know when the little timer buzzes and you know. I know I am falling in love with him, but i don’t know anything else and maybe i don’t have to. Remember, i don’t know healthy… So this is new territory for me and not that I think it would mess things up if I did feel like saying it, but I don’t even know.. I think I need more than little over two months to acknowledge it…
I know that with his schedule being so wacky, I am in for a fun at least 3-6 months until his route clears up more.. but honestly..
I waited 30 years to knock on his door… if I have to go three more months seeing him once a week… I will be just fine. Destiny has brought us together and I gotta stop trying to fight that and just let it be.
So here is to The Man’s birthday and me hopefully getting a FT job today! Happy Monday XOXO
When I went to LA to see Andre, we went to this little town on the way back from San Diego and they had little crafts and such and I remember seeing this one in particular and just loving what it said..
" Sometimes we don’t know we have a dream, until we have a dream come true.’
I know I have talked about dreaming bigger, but it is so true. I don’t really have dreams that don’t come true because I don’t dream often enough, but I can tell ya… I didn’t know The Man at this time, I was without a job (still waiting to hear back on an official offer today, btw) BUT I really understood this phrase.
And now I understand it even more. There are things that happen with The Man that i never thought would for me… I haven’t had a mutual, healthy relationship in my adult life and for me to have one.. was just a dream for me.
Listen, he is not perfect but newsflash, neither am I. I have had to give up on the notion that I am actually. That it is okay I make mistakes, and now that I have come to terms with that, it is easier to accept that others are the same way… I really think we are great together and I’m happy about that. I find myself and my recovering co-dependent self catching or almost cringing when I hear him say that I make him happy, or… that I even think the same. In the past, I thought people did make me happy and maybe they did but not in a healthy way… but I shouldn’t cringe when I hear that because when it is healthy it is okay.. He does make me happy. I am happy alone, but he should make me happy, duh! and I want to make him happy too! It doesn’t mean ” you are my everything and i am miserable without you..”
I’d like to say that one day I won’t analyze things as much ( i know Dre is thinking that by now..) but truth is… I will be this way. I am just glad I am coming to better conclusions at the end.
Dreams do come true, even if I never allowed myself to have them.
I had a talk with The Man yesterday about the whole ticking clock and it was good. He is starting a new quest on the career front and we are new and schedules and such… but we both want it to work which is what matters.
Last night the recruiter called and said the company I interviewed over the phone with on Tuesday wants me. She asked me which shift i would prefer and when I could start and said she would get back to me.. so we will see.. I am not jumping up and down just yet. Not to mention that this job is not near my house, but I would like to have a more stable job and that way The Man and I can also get into our groove.
What is for you will not pass you.
After I hear back from the recruiter and know more, then I will be working this evening and have to tell them.. and I am not looking forward to that conversation.
I know I signed up for this relationship knowing what your ass backwards schedule was, but it is hard. I feel like I am living against the clock each day… there is time for your work (16 hours yesterday), time struggling to try and stay awake for me, time where your body just wins, time to wake up before the sun, time for myself, time for yourself, time to connect… that is the one I am missing. I feel like the time we get together is just a moment in this life before you have to leave or sleep.. and this makes me miss you even when you are around me.
I will do whatever I need to in order to fight this through because I truly believe you deserve that and me. I believe that we are great for each other and that I don’t want to run away from you just because of schedules.
I don’t know how to fix this when you work 7 days a week. You have made it so easy for me to love you, but it is hard to date you.
The girl that still doesn’t regret knocking on your door.
So i have been working non stop for a week (that was Mother’s Day and Graduations..) and I am SO GLAD I have today and tomorrow off!
Better yet.. I am being so productive and it is not even 8am!
I have a phone screening at 9 for a job.. a full time one! I was/am skeptical ONLY because of the location… it is 40 min with no traffic, but if i have “normal” hours.. i am driving through downtown at rush hour and not looking forward to that.. so i thought this morning… well if it comes to it.. ask to come in early! I mean The Man is up around 1 or 3 depending on the day… so we already are early to bed and I am an early bird anyway… Who knows, maybe I could work 4, 10 hour days and have 3 days off… which I also thought of how to stay at AnA part time… either way it is all going to work out.
I applied to a job I REALLY WANT on Friday and I just emailed an old executive and asked him to put a good word in for me with his friends there.. I will do whatever I gotta do people!
Another note- my store manager started on Sunday. Mind you we have been there without her since we opened a month ago and my assistant is on vacation right now (til tomorrow) and I just am not vibin this girl… She is all about numbers… and they preach about how we are not a numbers company but yet it is told to me like 100 times a day.. listen, I am going to sell the shit… and I always go over goal, sometimes by 3x… the product sells itself.. and i cannot control who comes in that door… so just hush and get to know us before micro-managing…
So today’s agenda:
Phone Interview, shower, lunch with old co-worker that I miss dearly, pick up meds, go to deli, go to supermarket (grilling something tonight), MANI/PEDI and then cooking!!!
This last week, I thought about “fear’ a lot. I wondered why we have it. Why I can be the most rational person, but something about fear can just hold me by the neck at times.
In relationships I think I struggle with it the most. Or at least feel like it is around my neck more. I feel like if i have a fear of heights, I will work on overcoming that in some logical way… like go up high.. little by little. Fear of spiders? Inform myself.. be around a spider in a safe environment.. logically realize that I am much bigger than it.. overcome the fear.
But how does one overcome the fear of a broken heart? Not even a broken heart.. but the opening of an old scar. I logically was thinking while I was away that even if I came home to an email from The Man saying that he no longer wanted to be with me.. that I would still live. My life would shift some, I would change a little, I would be hurt.. and then I would be fine. Endings do that to us. But that fear that it would happen the same way as it had before.. the fear that some piece of my hope for my future would be jeopardized.. that is what is so hard for me.
I do not say this lightly. I do believe that The Man is The One. I see myself having a life with him and a damn good one.. one filled with equality and generosity… acceptance.. communication.. loyalty.. trust.. and growth.
I never allowed myself to think it would be here.. now. I always kept my head held high and in hopes that in my future I would find someone I felt that way about and now he is here… and the fear that it could be gone. That I could be wrong.. again. The fear that I do not get to have a happily every after WITH someone… (I totally accept that I can/will alone).
That fear holds on to me. I haven’t discussed this with The Man at this time. This is for me to work through and there is nothing more that he could say or do that would make it instantly and forever go away. If I needed something from him, I would discuss it with him…
For now, I keep fighting my demons. Logically trying to pull apart the fact that he and this relationship are their own entities and that people don’t always leave. My future is here now.
"The future is no place to place your better days"- Dave Matthews
Hiya everyone! It is Wednesday and I am finally getting a break to fill you all in on life/ my trip, etc..
Things are going really well. I loved the cruise and the weather was great, which I guess I missed a rainy week in FL- so go me! I am not going to lie, it was emotionally draining being away. I thought that I would have at least access to my email while I was gone and they changed the plans on the ship and it was no longer by the minute but $40 and day or $140 for the week and I just couldn’t.. so the whole week was just draining keeping my head in check.. or keeping myself out of my head.
I did get to call home on Wed because we were in St Thomas and it is a US territory, but still it wasn’t enough. I feared, even with no reason, that I would return to the US and open an email from The Man saying that a week away from me was better than with me and he’d rather keep it that way. A by products of the last two failed “relationships” where I was texted and emailed the break up.
Needless to the say, The Man did not do that and felt the complete opposite. We both liked the opportunity to miss one another, but would much rather keep it a shorter time next time lol
I went to see a recruiter on Monday morning. I love my job but I need FT and benefits.. so I have to keep looking. We will see.
Last night The Man and I went to putt putt after we made a delish meal and went and saw my sis and the boys. OMG my nephews are getting too big without me living there! I miss them!!!
Today, The Man and I are going to go to St Augustine (beings we missed it for my bday and BOTH of us are off today!!) and we are going to see a WILDLIFE RESERVE!! It is going to be awesome and I cannot wait!
Hope you are all doing well. As soon as I have more pix from the trip, I will post some! XOXO
I’m heading out today for my birthday cruise with my mom!! I am super excited and we normally go on cruises frequently but haven’t been in two years!
It is slightly bittersweet- I am going to miss The Man, but I know that some missing does people good.. And he feels the same way. He just told me to not go knocking on random doors ;)
He is seriously great. Also, I want to tell you all a little story about how snooping is just bad. I am not a snooper. I mean people could put shit right in front of me and I wouldn’t look. The Man and I aren’t FB friends bc right now I don’t want to look into things that don’t need any looking into..
But I did FB stalk him when I first met him. He would talk about his ex, ‘Chrissy..’ And when I found him on FB I saw he was friends with a Crissy. She was plain looking, but had some nice boobs.
Well as the weeks have gone by I have let this ex-friendship, nicer boobs thing kinda sit in my head. Comparing…
Last night, he and I were making dinner and mentioned that ‘Christy’ had called him and said she found out he was seeing someone, etc…
And I said.. Did you say ChriSTY or Chrissy?? And he said, STY
So ladies and gents.. The girl on fb is not his ex. Just a little lesson from the Universe to say.. Chill the fuck out, this man wants to be with you and is open with you and treats you well.. Enjoy!
I hope you all have a great week!! Check in with you when I can xoxoxo
Tuesday night’s dinner was AMAZING and the night was even more amazing with The Man. We had some really good talks and we are both at a great point in our lives.
Yesterday was my real birthday day and we were going to go to St Augustine, as i mentioned.. but time-wise it just wasn’t going to be worth the trip to be back in time for bed (the Man needed to be up at midnight for work)
So next thought was the local zoo and get my new iPhone! We went to the mall and got that all set up and then we were hungry and well… the zoo never happened. It is not the end of the world, just was a kind eh story to say how i celebrated my 30th… but then I got to thinking..
I had a fabulous party/ meal with my family and friends on Sunday.. my co workers chipped in with sweets on Monday and Tuesday, Tuesday night I got to dress up and had an amazing dinner with The Man (and the one I am really falling for) and then woke up on my birthday and had breakfast with my sister, BIL and baby and then spent the whole day with The Man. (and got a new phone with birthday money!)
So not too shabby. Granted, I was asleep by 5:30 haha but it’s all good. I wrote The Man a letter and left it on his pillow this morning… I am kinda excited and equally nervous for when he gets home and sees it. Like, I want to drive over there and take it back so I don’t make a fool out of myself… but it was just a thank you note.. for trying to make my birthday the best, for being him, for supporting, listening, hugs and kisses, etc and then at the end I said ..
" And thank you for answering the door that day and giving me a millions reasons to be thankful, XOXOX Cortney"
I think that pretty much summed it all up. He is a great guy and he makes me happy. Not that I wasn’t without him, but it is a different kind of happy. I haven’t been in love with someone that deserved it in about 7 years and the ballgame is all different now.
Leaving for my birthday cruise on Sunday with my mom… closing at work tonight, mid tomorrow and opening Sat…
Hope this finds you all well! and thank you again for all of the lovely birthday notes! XXOOXOX
“This last month has changed our lives forever, and we hope it will change yours too. Take care of one another. Be gentle, be compassionate. Be open to letting someone in when it is you who is faltering. Lend your hand. We need it. The world needs it.”—An eloquent and beautiful statement from the Facebook page of Sunil Tripathi, the missing Brown student who was found dead. He was wrongly accused of being involved in the Boston Marathon bombing by social media, most likely due to his Indian heritage. (via evalve)
oh i forgot to tell you! So The Man met the fam and my BIL was not there! So thankful! and mom liked him (duh). It was weird actually.. it was POURING down rain and so it made it hard to talk (we were sitting on the back patio) and I was SOOO tired, so i think it was all a blur but it went well and now mom will hush about how she hasn’t met him yet.. :)
So when I was unpacking some boxes, I came across some pictures from 2007.. I truly do not ever remember myself this size. Oddly, even though it was 6 years ago… it was the same weight/ size I was before surgery last year too… so here are some comparisons for you.. (i should wait for birthday dress!)
I figured I would write my birthday post now before going to work rather than trying to make it tomorrow when I will be busy.
When i was a little girl, I never dreamed big enough. I lived in my realist world that I only allowed tv/movies/theatre to touch with any ounce of fantasy. Maybe this is what happens when you grow up without a parent. In some ways without both parents because the one that is left is working enough for two, but I digress…
Years later and I barely watch tv or go to the movies (I still love theatre) but I dream bigger now and then I search to make it a reality. I can remember at an early age looking forward to my 30s. Thinking they would be the best years. As someone that matured faster than most kids, I think I just thought finally by 30 people wouldn’t question me as much.
Here I sit, about to go to my part time job which I am struggling with mentally.. I mean i LOVE the company, but working 5x a day for PT work and bringing home like $200… it kinda wears on me mentally. I am getting through it.
Tonight, I will get home and put on my size Large birthday dress and go out to a nice Greek dinner at Cat Cora’s restaurant (first time!) with a man that I see a future with.. and I will let the stars wrap around me and find so much peace that these years on this earth have made me the woman I am today and I love her.
Today, I dream bigger than when I was a little girl. I encourage everyone to dream bigger. Also, I can say that I am truly grateful everyday for the relationships I have in my life. The one with my Creator, myself, and my friends and family… even the ones I have with complete strangers.
Smiles, laughs, hugs, kind words… this is what we should all spread each day. I thought i would be someone else at 30, but I am so much better than that person. I cannot wait to see what the next 30 years on this earth teach me and what blessings are ahead for me! I thank you all for reading my stories, supporting, and encouraging me as well…some of you have been doing it for two and half years!
I will post pictures soon as well- I was surprised by what I saw.. and I will def take date night pictures tonight!! I wanna show you my dress! XOXOX- Cortney
There are these moments in life that I wish I could bottle up and drink on a rainy day and when there is a series of days/ months; a time period, i feel like that time could be bottled up and quench any thirst I may have during a dry spell in life.
These moments can be small.. a cup of coffee alone on a beautiful morning.. a child’s laugh… the smile that tells you so much behind it.
Right now I am in a series of days and it is just amazing. I am so truly blessed. Part of me is writing this as my way to bottle it up for a “rainy” day .. but mostly because I feel I may explode if I don’t get some of this out into the world.
This is my birthday week, my 30th is on Wednesday.. Today, I am having a couple of friends over to my sister’s with my family for my birthday celebration… and The Man. 6 weeks of getting to know each other and he is wiling and wanting to meet my mom/ rest of my family and it means the world to me. No question that he and I are on the same page..
This is my first mutual and healthy adult relationship and it is absolutely amazing. I hope that each day we continue to live in the moment and appreciate each other for who they are. I know we will fight at some point and I know he is not perfect, but I truly believe it is how you fight andif they are perfect for you.
It is the small things that make our lives, but they are not small at all.. it is the bundles of tulips that he gets and the way he appreciates that you don’t want to spend all his money at a restaurant every time you eat together, but you just want to spend time with him… eating great supermarket subs (Publix philly anyone?) and bake your birthday carrot cake on a Saturday night… because those are the moments and days I want in a jar.. sitting on a shelf.. lighting up the dark days.
I am off from work today and I woke up and went to the gym for yoga. I had been to this instructor before but not this gym in years and there was only one other woman there (one more after I got there) but sometimes that is all you need. This morning I just threw on my sports bra, sweats, and a tank and headed out… I actually felt thin today. It has been a VERY long time since that has been the case; noticing that I started to feel self conscious even having sex with The Man this week, and all on me… he has NEVER made me think he is anything but attracted to me… Just that extra skin.. the parts of me that I wish wouldn’t still hold on to it, the deflated breast…
But today, I weighed myself and officially 81lbs lighter than I was in June and presumably at least that since last year at this time… I can say AHHHH.. for the first time, I am proud of myself.
That is an empowering feeling. Very. My validation doesn’t come from The Man, but my own view of myself. The way I was able to hold my poses, stretch, honor my body and not just see a stomach getting in the way.
I ran errands, saw my family, and now I am back home and am going to bake banana bread because I want to bake! I have some more unpacking to finish and maybe go see The Man later. We discussed that we like missing each other and we like seeing each other too..lol so both is nice..
Oh and he said he is super excited to give me my birthday present!!! I haven’t had a boyfriend in 6 years on my birthday..I wasn’t even expecting him to get me anything. Did i mention he is meeting the family on Sunday!!?!?!
Today I am thankful for self awareness and Self. Baking. Time. Music. Laughs. Memories.