Just your (un)average girl

navadoeslife replied to your post: Day 3 in the books Hate to break it to you but strawberry IS a fruit. :-P What protein powder/mix are you using?

Nava,  got jokes?  Yes, it is but not like the “others.”  it turns more into a milkshake.

I have had and enjoyed the Chocolate Splendor from Unjury and Nectar Vanilla Bean Torte and Strawberry Mousse by Syntrax.

Nectar has a 14 pack sample for $14 and free shipping!!!  It is a monthly special, so not sure if it will end now. It is delish!  I also have seen many people buying Torani sugar free syrup to add flavor…

Really have been lucky to like them though, protein has come a long way.

Day 3 in the books

I finished day 3 of liquids/ protein shakes/ and a high protein/ low carb meal.. Not feeling too bad. this is way manageable as long as I avoid tv commercials hahah

My step-dad used to make this chicken on the grill we named after him. He past away 6 years ago and I was a vegetarian for 3 of those years, so it has been a LONG time since we have made it.. So i texted my mom and sister and asked if that can be the menu Sunday :)  ( and I can take LEFTOVERS!)  HAHA who am I??

I have come to realize I do not favor the fruit flavored protein drinks as much as the vanilla/ chocolate/ strawberry kind.. Overall they have been good though and I cannot complain :)

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!!

Need a vent

Workboy confessed to me yesterday that he is seeing a co-worker. Let’s just say to quote Steel Magnolia’s.. ” This news isn’t exactly the greatest news.”

She is much older than him (really not the issue), divorced and started dating a woman from the office for 3 and half years and they just split a month ago..and Friday she was out to the movies with another co-worker…. *ahem*

Need.I.Say.More.

I just found out yesterday and was trying to just let it go, i cannot do anything about what he does and then at lunch today with a mutual friend/ co worker, we were talking and he walks in with HER and asks to eat with us.

WTF?  I am not ready for this. I am not okay with this and then to make me sit there and eat lunch with the two of them and she knows I think it is ridiculous because she knows me, I don’t have to say anything to her. Last year it was. ” He is such a baby…” and now what!?? he is someone to pay your shit and treat you right?

And yes, if you want to analyze it, i may somewhere have feelings for him that i DO NOT want to act on in the least bit right now. I have enough going on, but when he sees other women i COULD CARELESS but WHY HER!??? I just see this crashing and burning and me losing a friend in the process.. I really care about him and now it is going to all change at the point when there is enough change going on.

And why am I always the girl that is JUST the friend? I do not know what to do when that all changes.. when I am not hidden by layers of extra fat.

/end drama rant

The Homestretch

Two weeks from tomorrow I will be having surgery!  This means… two weeks that protein shakes and I are going to be besties. It is IMPORTANT that the liver shrink before surgery and did you know that the first 20 lbs you gain is in that liver of yours!?!?  it is also where it leaves first..

This morning I had Nectar Vanilla Bean Torte and it really was like vanilla ice cream- not chalky or anything and disolved right away. 13 more flavors to try of this brand:

Right now they have a monthly special- 14 packets/flavors for $14 and free shipping.. if you are in the market for good quality mix.. might want to check it out.

So the next two weeks is going to be protein shakes and a lean meal (low fat/low carb) a day. It will be over before I know it… right?   

It isn’t always bad to cry

Sometimes I have to remind myself of this. I try to stay strong for so long and then I just break and then I feel like i am going crazy.

I know it is OKto cry and I usually feel a lot better once it is out of my system, but as someone that battled with depression, I just get so worried about going back to that place.. because I feel like the crying comes from no where, but really I know there is a reason behind it.

I had a good talk with my mom and I think i realized I am really happy I have this blog.. or should I say that I always had this blog… because it allows me to go back and read those days when I really was struggling.

Let’s be honest. In the past year I went from being a very healthy overweight individual that took things very seriously and strict, to a woman that doesn’t work out or eat right. Now, I want and need to go back to the original woman and not beat myself up for the past year. Life happens and yes I have this syndrome, BUT I am also going to get surgery to help and I MADE THAT HAPPEN. Why is THAT such a hard thing for me to take ownership of?  I can take ownership of shit and weight gain and feeling like crap, but not of the fact that I said enough was enough and no matter the money issue, I WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN. And here I am 2 weeks away from surgery that is going to make my quality of life that much greater and I struggle with it. Fear overriding the risk and it is not right. Fear cannot win.

I made this happen. Ownership. I am not THAT girl anymore.

marathons at my house

not a running one.. but a Breaking Bad one.   Batman introduced me to this show and I can’t stop watching it.

late night fears/thoughts

What if surgery doesn’t work? Why didn’t I make that my ONE question to the surgeon… has anyone every not lost even when following all the rules?  Will I be that ONE?

I need to take my family up on a place to stay after. I am not going to want to be alone. I do still need my mom.

I know what will happen if i do not get this surgery. I have nothing but a life of health issues awaiting me. I have rides not ridden, laughs not laughed, smiles not smiled, and a better me not experienced.

So scared that if God made me this way, that I am just supposed to be. This negates every thought of self-improvement then. 

Sad that I trust God and am still scared.

Worried about the feelings that will come after. The thoughts. Losing weight doesn’t solve my problems.. what are my problems?

I know that in my heart I really want a husband and a family, but I am trying so hard to make peace with not having those. Just because I lose weight does not mean that some husband comes with the package, but it does mean a happier me. Right?  A me that can do more on my own.

I think I need a break from social media.

Has anyone every lose weight and got more depressed? How do I stop that? I do not hear anything about regret aside from not doing it sooner. Is this just cold feet thoughts? I want this to work so badly but even though I have a surgery date it is hard for me to believe it is still going to happen.

I should go see my counselor again before surgery.