To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
In this last week I have been witness to three souls leaving this earth. Each one impacted lives differently, but each for the good.
And that is what it all comes down to.
I ache more for the missed memories. There are no more new stories about these individuals and their battles. I have seen love from all over come and to be honest my love is there but in these times it is hard for me to show it.
I tend to keep to myself and process. What do you say when someone loses someone they love. What do I even say to myself? Cancer and disease.. they just exist. The most I have gotten out was “I am thinking about you.” And as hard as it was, the response was always positive and left me realizing how strong they are.
There will only be old memories and tattoos and wishes on stars. And in hope that one day we meet again. I still don’t understand how the world keeps moving.. how people still manage to complain about the slightest of things, how bad moods exist… when even those that have lost so much manage to put a smile on and try to make the best out of really the worst situations.
Death has never been my strong suit. I live most days wondering who is next in my life.. trying to make the most out of it and my relationships and then sometimes I get so tired thinking that I will miss something or someone. That call I didn’t make.. that dinner I didn’t attend… that “I love you” I didn’t get to say.
Today a dear friend celebrated her daughter’s life… this last week another friend celebrated his father’s and then this weekend my family will gather to celebrate my father in law’s. I still cannot believe that I won’t get to hear him say how beautiful I am again.. or hear one of his crazy stories about watches or harmonicas… or cars.. or anything that was random. I’ll never look at Dodge Rams the same knowing that was the truck he loved to drive.. or even my nephew that will never remember him.
But life is for the celebrating and the moments and the memories. My sister is taking the oldest with her to the funeral in NY to be with my bro-in-law’s family, which is giving me a weekend with the baby. A nice distraction in this time. His laugh can turn any day around. And we will make memories and make the most out of it.
At the end of the day… at the end of our lives… it is all we have to leave. It is not the money, the clothes, the make up, the jewelry, the cars… its the hugs and the smiles.. the i love you-s and the memories.
May they rest in peace. May all left to survive this world be left with peace and joy in their hearts. May the world be filled with color once again..
As I sit here.. frozen in time.. thinking all the thoughts.
How is someone here and then they are not. And not because they left and they are somewhere else but because they are gone.. only living between memories.
Today, it does not appear that my BIL’s father will make it to see another day. We are all so close. So close that to say he is only related due to my sister marrying his son, seem equivalent to the bond that the years have given to my family and theirs to be called one.
Last week my brother was in NY seeing him because his lung cancer had returned along with pneumonia. Literally a deadly combination. He is packing now, but by the time he makes it back to NY it looks like it will be too late… and tomorrow is my brother’s birthday.
Last week two other people I know had their world’s shattered and I have another one waiting on a lung transplant..
The world keeps going on.. when it feels it should stop. When it feels like laughter, holidays, joy, happiness… it should all stop for a moment.. to remember these people.. but it doesn’t and maybe in doing so it pushes us to try to obtain some normalcy.
There is nothing normal about having someone there and then they are not. Nothing. Even if it happens all the time.. even if it happens three times in a week…
MY heart is breaking for those that feel the world should stop.. but there is a time when you will enjoy laughter, holidays, joy and happiness again…
When people mention that life is short.. i don’t think it is the years that they are talking about. I think someone 90 years old can feel the same way and I think it comes from knowing one day we are here and then we are not. But what really matters is how we chose to live it.. with honor and love and peace… To make the most out of each moment even if making the most is sitting on your couch in your PJs.. never take that for granted.
My heart just hurts. and I know it is going to for some time..
I’m left with a million questions and little desire to answer them. See, I searched before for the answers to my questions and ended up chasing my tail… The answers are always just there and sometimes the answer is that there just isn’t one.
There is a piece of us that fills that in and on a good day it is with hope and faith. I don’t understand life.. I don’t get why certain hands are dealt to certain individuals but I don’t really need to know.
At the end of the day, we just need to be there for them- or for ourselves. I won’t have all the answers while I am on earth and I know I will still seek but may I have more the courage to just accept. To stop questioning so much that I miss the answer.. And the beauty right before me.
I have that wish for everyone.
running4hissanity-deactivated20 asked: Hey Courtney Haven't seen much from you in awhile. Just wanted to check in and see how things are going?
Well hello! Thanks for checking on me. I am doing well, very well actually. I took time away from Tumblr and I have been reading post here and there but just haven’t been in the mood to write… i think that may be coming to an end and everyone will get to hear about nothing once again! Hope you are well (saw some lawyer thing?)
I saw it on her face. I saw it when she looked up and I could tell it was a natural reaction; involuntary just the same as breathing.
Sitting in Starbucks, forcing myself to drink some trenta sized green teas just so that I can stay hydrated because I seem to be awful at this before surgery and since. I woke up with a splitting headache that seemed should have only followed an extreme night of drinking, but was rather from the opposite. I knew.. I knew right then that I needed to get fluids in. So i am sitting at Starbucks, looking up recipes for the week and making a grocery list. Fast food must stop.
I walked in to two rather large women sitting at a table doing some type of craft project and I saw the looks. I sat in the now-to-me comfy chair and started on my laptop. Then she came. A woman in her 40s, in scrubs, medical ID badge hanging from her pocket and a clipboard and papers in hand. She didn’t smile hello to me or anything, but not everyone is like me.
Then another woman walked in. I only saw her long enough for her to pick up her drink at the counter, but I saw the look. The woman next to me looked up and this third woman made the others seem small in comparison. I could tell she was just trying to get through life. Her ability to not want to be noticed. She didn’t linger. She grabbed and went. And there the woman next to me was with that look.
I saw the look before I saw the woman, I followed her eyes… Like she was almost compelled to say something to her had she stayed any longer. This is someone in the medical industry; you’d think she had seen worse.
I know that look. I may even give it unknowingly sometimes, but I am so conscious of it. Anyone that has lived the overweight life knows this look. The how can you possible let that happen to you. Like being overweight is so glorious that everyone that is just decided to let themselves go.
I hate that presumptuous look. I still feel it on me.
I had dark chocolate espresso beans this morning. Hope they make me make it until 6:30; when my head hits the pillow.
Hey every day is an opportunity to learn, right?
This morning The Man woke up for work as a Grumpy Guss and it seems he hasn’t been able to shake it. It is fine, we all have bad days and need our space; i get it!
The thing was this morning when I sent him my “good morning” text which is usually responded to within 30 min, and it wasn’t responded to two hours later.. I started to get worried. I think that this man thinks the world of me but in those two hours I still had my moments of doubt.. where I thought his one bad day was going to end us. That he was going to say he didn’t want to do this anymore. All rational aside, right… I knew that it was crazy thinking.
Most days I am so very thankful for every person that I was ever with and their ability to make me appreciate The Man so much more. I know what I have with him is unlike the rest and he is such a good person.
But I also want to curse those relationships for allowing an insecurity to grow with assurance over the years.
Things are great and people have bad days… it doesn’t mean that they will just up and leave because they cannot shake ONE BAD DAY (that you had nothing to even do with).
I know this. Silly mind…